teenager boy

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tawny

for the last four weeks my lad had been so down sleeping all the time, eventually after along talk last week things seemed to improve. but i had noticed that all the cuddles and love you had gone.

put it down to growing up. well on mothers day i woke him up as i was off to work and he was grumpy and in a joking way i said that's not nice on mothers day, well he told me he didn't care what day it was and it meant nothing to him.

i was angry and so hurt.

well the story goes on, he told me he didn't no what love was and didn't like emotions. while on his computer i found a love you email to a girl in America ?

he told me he had known her 5 days, you can imagine how i felt, he couldn't tell me he loved me but he could a stranger >:(


the thing is he has always been so soft and loveable, not good with emotions cause of his autism. i thought we had honesty and trust.bringing up an autistic kid can be hard and confusing at times, like most kids hey :)

well on his internet i found to much porn, at his age i expect him to sneak a peak but not to use it the way he had.

well the week has been awful, after me having ago at him sunday,Monday and telling him no more porn or setting up email accounts in secret or using msn, he ignored me but lied to my face yesterday when i caught him out again.

i feel like i don't know him and I'm so hurt that he lied to me after being given the chance to tell the truth. he is so confused about emotions and says he doesn't want them or to feel them.

i don't know what is the autism and which bit is him being a teenager :'( we have always been so close and now he can't say he loves me.

he's been grounded for the first time ever and all blocks are back on his conput er and he can't understand why......................

i feel so hurt and down right now and i keep crying and yet today i should be happy....it's my birthday but i feel there is a big cloud hanging over me.

i just don't know what to do right now, i can't trust a word that comes out his mouth.

he's really has always been a great lad, one I've been so proud of, he's 13 by the way.

i have to be careful cause of the autism and the fact he suffers very high anxiety problems, don't wanna push him over the edge but i have to pull him into line.

sorry for all this but i feel so screwed up and alone at the moment.
 
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry to hear it is at such a difficult time for you though. :( The only thing i can suggest is try to say to him is that it is nice to feel emotions like love because it will make him feel happy, like he was happy when he said he loved you before, well hopefully he will realise he did. Maybe this girl on the internet has hurt him, said that she doesn't love him or something so he now thinks all love is bad, but i guess with his autism he doesn't realise his mum will always love him and try to get him to believe you on that. And explain that it is people close to him that do love him that matters, not this girl on the net. I'm sure you have prob tried this all already, just thinking that saying feeling love is nice may help. As for the porn, i expect with his autism he doesn't understand limits, so hope that it is a phase and with his PC use being banned that he will forget it for a while at least. Good luck my thoughts are with you, and try and spoil yourself today you deserve it!
 
this girl loves him back ;) i can cope with the girl and a slight intrest in porn, cause of his autism honesty has been a must and everything has always been talked out.

i can't understand why he keeps lying and doing things he knows is gonna get him introuble. it's like nothing is sinking in to his head. the emotion he feels the most is anger.... when he gets told of he is angry at me even tho he knows it's his fault.

to listen to him is unreal, he sees the computer has his virtual world..........my head is spinning, i have tryed so hard to stay calm and keep talking to him but it is getting harder by the day.

just need to get the way i feel out my system
 
Hi, Tawny, I am so sorry to hear how upsettting the last few days have been and understand how shocked you must feel too about the computer porn. I would suggest that a lot of what you descrie is teenage boy syndrome - or puberty. Someone once told me that when a child reaches their teens it can feel to the parent that they become an alien and go into orbit...but one day they do come back to earth. The hormones and the interest in porn etc are 'normal' curiousity but it is important to chat about it. Like you we don't approve of porn and using porn.

I can't speak with experience of autism but can tell you a lot of what you say is what I've experienced with my 14-year-old son. He is a very bright (gifted)teen with dyspraxia (developmental coordination disorder - dcd). Last year when he was 13 we had an awful year with him and were deeply worried. He was being bullied at school and became depressed; we noticed he seemed distant and was waking very early not able to get to sleep (too much or too little sleep can indicate depression). He insisted all was well but after a long chat with his dad it all came pouring out. Apart from the bullying (and he had also been bullied for 5 out of 7 years at primary school) he also feels very different to other children. Some of it could be social skills and some the fact that he really is different, being gifted academically, highly sensitive and with a special need.

We spoke with the special needs coordinator at school and she arranged for him to see someone from the Secondary School Support services once a week - a woman who was also mum of a dyspraxic child. Initially they were going to look at social skills together - something children with dcd can have trouble with - but she soon realised the bullying needed sorting out and helped him to build and present a case to the year head and assistant principal. In the meantime we tried to keep talking, assuring him of his uniqueness and how precious he is.

On top of that, he was using msn to chat with 'friends' at school but it became a source of bullying. He was also designing a website for his youth group and found that someone hacked onto it and onto his hotmail email account and took control of them, changing the password. He was abused and taunted as being gay on another teen's website and sent horrible messages on an online computer game. We also let him have a computer in his room but soon realised that he wasn't ready to deal with the responsibility. We found that he had been visiting porn websites and he was also spending a lot of time online instead of doing his work.

We took the computer away and now supervise how long he spends on the computer. The computer is also sited in a public area downstairs and we have parental control software as well as passwords for our logins...he had previously logged in as us to avoid the parental control software. We know he has to learn self-discipline sometime soon - and regulate his own time - but for now that's what we are doing.

I have to go now - an appointment - but wanted you to know that your experience isn't uncommon and yes, it does hurt cos you love him so much. If he is feeling low that will affect his responses too. I think I'd be inclined to rule out depression in case he needs support in that area.
 
Tawny, I do feel for you. My brother is autistic, about medium severity and we didn't find out he had autism until he was 16. He is 40 now. My mum worked as a cleaner in an autistic school so sought advice and was put in touch with a place in Newbury, Berkshire. It sounds like your son is mildly autistic as he has the intelligence to use the computer well etc. Are you having support with your son for his autism? Autistic people (it is much more common in boys than girls) have real problems communicating. Also, with the onset of puberty, his problems will increase. You need some outside help/support here. Is he in mainstream school? Have you considered the possibility that he is being bullied at school? All teenagers go through the "I hate my parents" thing. Believe me I know! Mine are 19 and 17 now but I went through hell with my daughter from 12 till about 15. My son thankfully wasn't too bad, but we are very close now so there is light at the end of the tunnel. A lot depends on how things are at school and at home. Stability is very important at this age. Also, what type of friends he has can influence him and wether his teachers are understanding of his condition. As for the porn thing, it is natural for boys that sort of age to be curious but extreme caution is required. I was always open with mine about sex and let it be known that they could come to me with worries and questions. At the age your son is, he will be horribly embarrassed but if he realises that sex is a natural thing not to be embarrassed about, eventually he will come to you. My son asks my advice all the time now! It is a patience game I am afraid. They need their space but rules need to be in place so they know where their boundaries are. When they say "I hate you mum" and swear at you, try not to let them see it upsets you. Just enforce the rule that they want to break calmly. You can cry in bed at night, which is what I did. Deal with tomorrow when it comes.
It will get better...
Fiona x
 
Hey Tawny i use to work with people with autisum, so i feel for you in the frustrating moments,


I don't know much about it in the way you do, so i am just gonna say i am here if you want to let off steam,


Emma
 
thank u all for your support. i can't explain how i feel. he has always had problems from being born and autism was just another added thing which i thought i was dealing with well.

mart has help from mental health group and autistic teachers that back u up when there is a problem in school. school find it very hard to understand my lad.

he is very clever and can fool people, u have to study him to see the problems, they are deep. he does find it hard to mix and deal with large groups. he is being treated for anxiety/ depression but not with medication but by helping situations that cause the stress if you know what i mean..... i didn't really want him on medication.

he is so clever it can be hard but over the years i have been open with him and always talked out every situation. i have tryed to teach him that if he talks then i can help him. i expected him to sneak looks at porn and in many ways have been open with him about sex, so that he knows he can talk to me about anything but i didn't expect him to be obsessed and to carry on looking at it after being told of to put it mildly.

he has always had a problems with emotions and understanding things, semantic pragmatical is one of his main problems. so he could stand and agree with you but not understand a word your saying :(one minute it's like talking to an adult and then the next like a 4 year old and that's how it has always been. in some ways his mind is to advance for the age he is.

i thought the onset of teens would be gradual not all in one week ;)

he cried like a baby one minute and then was cocky the next. he just keeps lying even tho he knows I've been on checking his computer and the emotion thing is really disturbing him.

he is going through problems with eating, he doesn't hate me or anything like that but says he can't use the word love etc and doesn't want to feel those emotions or receive them, we have always been so close, it's so sudden, i can't make sense of it.

he is normally such a good caring lad and very gentle, i can't let him see me cry but i feel like it :(

thanks for letting me chat away just need to keep in control and this helps, i have dealt with all the hospital bits, nearly losing him, kidney opp, tumour scans when he was young and up til now the autism which when young was bad and always stayed in control and strong and yet whats happened this week has cracked me and made me feel weak and useless.

i know it will get better :-\ well i hope it will, it's like walking a thin line..........
 
Sounds like you're a fantastic mum who has had to deal with a lot of worry over the years. :)
 
this should be easy compared to all the other stuff we have gone through, mayb i'm on the change and thats why i'm crying so much :D need to get composed he's due in from school soon, good job he gets a taxi and i don't have to collect him, i look like a big red eyed monster ;D mind u i reckon he thinks i'm a monster the way i've been the last few days.
 
It's easy for me to say, given how upset I get about my teen, but try not to take it all to heart. My teen often thinks I'm mean when I have to set a boundary or tell him off, and says things I find rude or hurtful yet I know he is a good lad, just over-emotional. When we're emotional it is easy to say things we don't mean, just to express the strong emotion. Deep down I'm sure he loves you - he might even be kicking back about the computer ban.

Have you got anything nice planned today for your birthday?
 
it's always good to hear other peoples views, it helps to talk things out. I've always been so use to going it alone and being strong and not asking for help, some times you just stop believing in yourself, i haven't been the best lately maybe that's why it got to me...............been a bit low......a weak moment ;) for weeks he had been in a sort of depression which happens every now and again, think i just became tired, not been sleeping well for along time.

any way a long road ahead, had to talk to him again today but i have to say he hasn't gone in a mood (sure he Will at some stage) :D maybe he's coming out of his virtual world into the real world 88) he isn't even moaning about it, think he's to scarred to ;D

understanding anyones mind is hard but an autistic mind ........................... he can have a real strange way of thinking. :)

sometimes it is hard putting on a smile when inside your crying, but i normally manage but i was grateful to u all today for letting me have a good moan, writting things out or having a bath and a good cry in secret is a great relief ;D

I've had a bath and feel better and more in control, i know things ain't gonna be easy but i have dealt with worse, that's what i keep telling myself ;) and i know i ain't a great mum but i am one who loves my kid to bits and will get him through this.

going out for dinner with my parents, don't know where yet.
 
'but i am one who loves my kid to bits and will get him through this'
If that isn't a good description of a commited mum, i don't know what is! :) hope the rest of your birthday improves.
 
So sorry to hear, teenage boys can be a real pain (from a teenaged girls point of view), obsessed with girls and their bodies, always moody, ignoring other peoples feelings, oh my brother was a right sod.
If he needs a talking too from a 3rd party memeber, :tickedoff: who is also his age, i no someone who could do the job me! 0:) that was a joke by the way! O0 dont worry you only have another....couple of years, and he'll be happy sometimes then sad. unfortunatley, like any teenager now hes sad, i call it my 'emo stage' which i took 8 months to get out of! now I'm just hypo 98)

good luck
 
hey nat i can deal with hypo......he's adhd ;D but seriously thank you to u all for the support it got me through the day.

i can honestly say it was the worst birthday I've ever had but i feel a little more in control. it's hard cause he is trying to be nice but there is an atmosphere and he looks so sad, I've taken away his world right now but i have to stay strong and stick to what I've said.

because of the problems he has socialising the computer is his world so u can imagine what it's like this end :tickedoff:

all i have to decide now is how long i put the Ban on for and what restrictions stay for good.

do you allow your kids in to chatrooms? use I'm, (msn etc)
 
I have MSN and I come on here thats about it... but mum checks to see who I'm talking to on msn also :)
 
Hi, Tawny, hope today is a brighter day for you.

'do you allow your kids in to chatrooms? use I'm, (msn etc)'

As you read from my entry yesterday, my son had awful trouble with msn and cyberbullying however I don't think it was particularly because he used msn, more that if kids want to bully they use whatever tools they can, be it website, text messaging and msn or more direct methods. We let him use msn because we felt it was part of his teen culture. There is a means of recording an msn conversation - I happened to find a couple of conversations he recorded a year ago and was shocked by them; public humiliation and abuse. Eventually he stopped using msn - his decision - saying he didn't know who his friends were... Recently he began using msn again but with a more selective group of friends. (You've reminded me we should do a spot check.) He also enjoys barons online and Lord of the Rings online - both have a messaging facility. I hope he's learned to be more selective who he converses with. There is some useful stuff and sensible guidelines on these websites:
http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/parentsonlinesafety.shtml
http://www.kidscape.org.uk/childrenteens/cyberbullying.shtml
http://www.chatdanger.com/
 
i am pretty sure he is not getting bullied, his anxiety bit is to do with his autism.

he also knows and feels that he is different and knows he has problems communicating with people in everyday life, the computer gave him an outlet and allowed him to chat with out being judged and be outgoing if you know what i mean?

the reason he ended up in trouble with me was for attitude and he kept lying over and over and of course there was the porn...... to much of it, like someone obsessed.

it's like things aren't sinking in to his head 98) u tell him not to do something and he goes and does it even tho he knows I'm checking his computer, doesn't make sense :-\

like you i allowed him some freedom with chatrooms ,cause like u sed it's teen culture and i wanted him to feel that he is like other kids
but mayb it's taught him to be cocky and to grown up :(

how did you record the msn conversations?

i don't want to make his life miserable, life is hard enough but i can't let him lose in chatrooms without knowing whats going on. he is very in to instant messaging.

we have agreed that in a month or so if he still feels bad over his eating and his emotional problems we will get him some help. he can't seem to deal with emotions at all and inside he feels angry when things aren't going his way.

I'm trying to be strict with him but also supportive so that i don't send him into a deep depression. 5 years ago he went of the rails in his head and it affected his day to day life very badly, he developed so many fears and obsessions. life was hard but he was younger and easier to handle than what he would be now.

i have a real good doctor in the mental health group that could get him help with the eating problem etc but i have to be sure first that he's not being clever and trying to use it as an excuse for what he's been doing. kids know how to get to their mums
 
The way to record message history is to open up MSN

Click Tools (at the top of the screen)

Then select Messages

Then put a tick in "Automatically keep a history of my conversations" :)
 
Hi, Tawny, we've just been reminding ourselves how to save conversations too. My son couldn't remember so we looked up the MSN help under save conversation. On our system we have to click Tools, Options, Messages, Message history etc. I notice that the first time you close a conversation window after enabling that option you will see a message asking whether you want to keep a history of all your messages. You then have to click Yes (or at least on our Windows XP system you do).

Something to think about is whether you intend to record conversations with your son's full awareness or not - something people will have different opinions about. Perhaps you could make it a condition of reinstating that privilege. We used to have a computer running an older system where we had some parental control software that kept a log of sites visited, conversations, etc. We check the History from time to time too, although you can also delete history! We no longer use the software but we did for a time with my son's full awareness. Somewhere there is a balance to be struck involving trust, privacy as well as the need for boundaries and the learning of self-control. Like you I'd be unhappy about anything that becomes an obsession or an addiction. And it is important to have boundaries, just as it is natural for teens to push against them! When I have to draw a line in the sand about anything with my son, however small, I get a lot of grief from him and yes, I've felt miserable too!

Last year was a dark period for us but we have now come through it and my son assures me things are fine now. He still has a problem with time management and self-discipline, though, which is why we still monitor his usage of the computer. He has always been highly sensitive emotionally (whether part of dcd, giftedness or just his personality, I don't know - but it is him). He can be rude and say hurtful things to me when he is in the grip of strong emotions. Other times he's lovely and loving. I remember having strong emotions as a teen. I guess part of growing up is learning to control these strong emotions. Like you I find it a tightrope getting the balance right between being strict and not sending him into depression!

Re the websites, I know bullying isn't an issue for your son - just as well, really, with everything else - but there is interesting info concerning online safety as well as strategies for the unwanted situations, friendship, etc. Sounds like you have supported him and called on outside help in the past and you are doing all you can as a mum. It's great that you have these extra sources of support. I hope things look up for you both soon.
 
i have to wonder if my son realises what he is saying, he's just made me lose it, came out with a comment that if i ever really peed him of he would take a knife to me................

his excuse is he read it in the paper that kids do that, i can't believe this is my son..............he sed it would have to be really be bad for him to do that.......

he's obsessed about talking to his internet friend that is all that matters to him..............

i'm so angry have sent him away from me, it's like talking to a brick wall.................
 
Oops *Edit* !

You've got to click tools then Options ;)

And the way to view the convos is either to look in "My Documents" in Received Files

Or open Messenger - - File then view message history :)
 
thanxs for all your advice newpiggies, i have help out side of school, mart autism is complex. and he has always been in the system because of health issues, not cause i'm a bad mum ;D

he just seems so cold and unreal right now, i don't think he really understands what he is saying, he would have to be stupid to do and say the things he is saying after a week of crap.

i feel i have just sed some awful things to him for the first time ever...............
 
Hi, Tawny, I hope you don't think anyone here is suggesting you're a bad mum cos you get outside support. Quite the contrary - you want the best for him and sounds like you have a support system. We've had contact with various health professionals too over the years, about matters ranging from enuresis, dcd, to occupational therapy, speech therapy, special needs coordinators, etc etc. There was a point last year when we weren't sure where to turn.

What your son said about the knife must have been really upsetting and worrying. You did the right thing to give yourselves some distance/space/time out - hope when things are calmer you'll be able to talk about it. You know your son best and I hope he never actually tries to harm you physically when he is angry. Sounds like you've already talked about what he reads in papers not being a role model! If you ever have cause for concern on that front, especially relating to anger management, I hope you will seek help. My elder son is now the tallest in the family, at 1.8m and could do some serious harm if he tried.

I hope I haven't unintentionally caused any offense in what I've written. My intention is to be supportive and sympathetic. I'm definitely a mum with L plates on where teens are concerned!
 
no way have u or anyone offended me, u have all been great and normally i am thick skinned apart from where my son is concerned. i was trying to have a laugh ;)

so sorry for making you think that way, newpiggies you have been great this last couple of days and been a very genuine caring person who has given me a shoulder to lean on when i needed it most.

obviously my sense of humour isn't coming across good at moment :D i am really sorry
 
i really don't take offence that easy, you may have L plates but have really helped me. my son is 5ft 8 no good with meteres. i have spoke to him and really think he is confused and mixed up and tho in away he meant what he sed, i don't think he meant it in a bad way. does that sound stupid.

he needs help with his emotions. i'm angry for what i sed to him but at the same time it made him feel hurt and sadness and made him relise how he had made me feel, i know it wasn't right for me to say what i sed but he needed some reality.

i think when i see his doc in may i'm gonna ask for help, in the mean time i'm gonna have a talk to someone that deals with autistic kids, if things get bad i'l ring the doc sooner.

time to reach a happy medium here cause this is destroying us. at times like this i wish i was still married ::) but if i was i wouldn't have all my piggies
 
LOL! Don't worry - it is hard to get humour across sometimes in writing and we have only recently 'met'! O0 Just wanted to check, that's all.

5ft 8 is a good height for 13. I think 1.8m is something like 5ft 10.5 inches or thereabouts. I'm only 5ft 2.5 inches short. having a tall boy can be helpful when I need to reach something high up. :)

I often regret some of the things I say in the heat of the moment too but I think it is good as you say that they see mum as being human with feelings too and (in theory) gives a chance to model making up, if you know what I mean.

I hope this weekend is a good one for you after an emotionally draining week.
 
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