Struggling with loss and guilt.

[KirstyGP]

Hi, it’s my first time posting here although I’ve been reading posts on the forum for a while and have found all the existing guidance around receiving a terminal diagnosis and caring for a piggy at the end of their life etc invaluable so thank you.

We had two boars, Bramble and Butterbean aged 4.5 years. We’ve had them since babies.

Just over two weeks ago I realised that Bramble had suddenly lost a lot of weight in a very short time so I took him to the vets the next morning. An ultrasound scan sadly showed an abdominal mass. Three different vets at the practice advised against surgery due to the location of the mass and the risks involved (this aligned with my gut feelings) and we were sent home to provide palliative care.

We were absolutely heartbroken but vowed to make his last days/weeks as happy as possible.

He was actually doing really well in himself for the next two weeks; Eating everything in sight, being very active and inquisitive and enjoying snuggles with us and his brother.

About a week in I noticed he had suddenly developed a dewlap and when we saw the vet he explained that it was likely due to oedema and was a sign that we were approaching the end of life. Bramble was still happy in himself and eating well but we were very aware that we were nearing the end.

On Saturday morning he was slow to come out of his bedroom for food (totally out of character), didn’t have much appetite and spent the next hour huddled up facing the back of the cage. He had also had horrible diarrhoea to the point I needed to give him a bath to clean him up. I spoke to the vet and she advised the kindest decision was to euthanise at this point. I was at the point of booking an appointment for later that morning when he suddenly perked up. He then spent the day eating and drinking and we also managed to get them outside in their pen for an hour as it was warm. He looked really happy and spent the whole time pottering around with his brother and eating grass.

He did have a bit more diarrhoea and I syringed some water in to help as I knew he must be getting dehydrated.

In the evening he was quieter but still eating and snuggling with his brother. He was becoming wobbly in his legs though and I knew that we were very close to the end and put arrangements in place to have him PTS the next morning.

I didn’t sleep at all (I’ve barely slept since the diagnosis tbh) and went down a couple of times to check to find him snuggled with his brother. I consciously then left him for a few hours as I knew he must be exhausted and didn’t want to keep disturbing him.

At 6:30 I went downstairs and was beyond heartbroken to find him collapsed and not breathing in the middle of the cage. It looks like he’d got up to get some water and was on his way back to the bedroom area and his brother when he collapsed. The shavings had been pushed away around him too, which suggested to me that he’d struggled. When I then cleaned the bedroom out a bit later I was horrified by how much diarrhoea there was (it was completely clean before I went to bed).

I’m completely wracked with guilt to the point I cant eat or sleep. I just keep imagining what his last few minutes and hours must have been like and I feel like I let him down when he needed me most. I’ve spent the last fortnight reading everything I can about end of life and euthanisia and had spoken to several different vets about it. Having witnessed a horrible end of life with a close family member, I was desperate to give him a peaceful ending. I feel like I’ve failed him.

 

[CTWC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely boy Bramble the photo is so sweet. The loss of a loved one is heartbreaking and it is in our nature to blame ourselves but you have not let him down you did what you felt was right and all your decisions were made with love. It may not have been what you wanted for his last moments but every moment of his life with you he felt loved and safe and that is what he will have taken with him

 

[CTWC]

Our thoughts can be our worst enemy the shavings being pushed away may have been down to what is referred to as running to the Rainbow Bridge try to focus on that rather than him struggling. He spent his last day surrounded by those who love him the most and for him that's what counts. Sending hugs, be kind to yourself as you grieve and remember we are all here for you

 

[Wiebke]

Hi, it’s my first time posting here although I’ve been reading posts on the forum for a while and have found all the existing guidance around receiving a terminal diagnosis and caring for a piggy at the end of their life etc invaluable so thank you.

We had two boars, Bramble and Butterbean aged 4.5 years. We’ve had them since babies.

Just over two weeks ago I realised that Bramble had suddenly lost a lot of weight in a very short time so I took him to the vets the next morning. An ultrasound scan sadly showed an abdominal mass. Three different vets at the practice advised against surgery due to the location of the mass and the risks involved (this aligned with my gut feelings) and we were sent home to provide palliative care.

We were absolutely heartbroken but vowed to make his last days/weeks as happy as possible.

He was actually doing really well in himself for the next two weeks; Eating everything in sight, being very active and inquisitive and enjoying snuggles with us and his brother.

About a week in I noticed he had suddenly developed a dewlap and when we saw the vet he explained that it was likely due to oedema and was a sign that we were approaching the end of life. Bramble was still happy in himself and eating well but we were very aware that we were nearing the end.

On Saturday morning he was slow to come out of his bedroom for food (totally out of character), didn’t have much appetite and spent the next hour huddled up facing the back of the cage. He had also had horrible diarrhoea to the point I needed to give him a bath to clean him up. I spoke to the vet and she advised the kindest decision was to euthanise at this point. I was at the point of booking an appointment for later that morning when he suddenly perked up. He then spent the day eating and drinking and we also managed to get them outside in their pen for an hour as it was warm. He looked really happy and spent the whole time pottering around with his brother and eating grass.

He did have a bit more diarrhoea and I syringed some water in to help as I knew he must be getting dehydrated.

In the evening he was quieter but still eating and snuggling with his brother. He was becoming wobbly in his legs though and I knew that we were very close to the end and put arrangements in place to have him PTS the next morning.

I didn’t sleep at all (I’ve barely slept since the diagnosis tbh) and went down a couple of times to check to find him snuggled with his brother. I consciously then left him for a few hours as I knew he must be exhausted and didn’t want to keep disturbing him.

At 6:30 I went downstairs and was beyond heartbroken to find him collapsed and not breathing in the middle of the cage. It looks like he’d got up to get some water and was on his way back to the bedroom area and his brother when he collapsed. The shavings had been pushed away around him too, which suggested to me that he’d struggled. When I then cleaned the bedroom out a bit later I was horrified by how much diarrhoea there was (it was completely clean before I went to bed).

I’m completely wracked with guilt to the point I cant eat or sleep. I just keep imagining what his last few minutes and hours must have been like and I feel like I let him down when he needed me most. I’ve spent the last fortnight reading everything I can about end of life and euthanisia and had spoken to several different vets about it. Having witnessed a horrible end of life with a close family member, I was desperate to give him a peaceful ending. I feel like I’ve failed him.

Hi and welcome

BIG HUGS

Diarrhea can happen when an internal growth is pushing on the caecum or is growing into it - it's the main fermentation chamber where the poos spend the most time during the digestive process and where they also firm up.

It is also not at all rare that terminally ill pets or people experience one last, short brightening of their candle before it goes out - but it also usually means that the end will come quickly and comparatively gently afterwards. Relish those precious moments and please don't feel bad about not wanting to take him to the vet at this stage. Nobody wants to do that - or if they do, they will have their personal guilt trip about that particular issue...

A natural death is much more physical than you expect but please try to take consolation that what you are upset about re. the way you have found him actually only reflects the very last stages/moments of the dying process when consciousness has already faded and the mindless/dead body itself is breaking down.

Oxygen deprivation hits the limbs when the heart is stopping to pump blood around the body and brain and causes the legs to jerk (we call this uncontrolled mechanical movement 'running to the Bridge').
It is also not all that uncommon for the body to release any fluids at the moment of death or immediately after, including loose poos/diarrhea, bodily fluids or even a little blood through any openings in the body, which can be traumatic for the unexpected owner. But crucially, your beloved boy was not with it anymore by that stage and he didn't suffer through these moments.

In fact, as natural deaths go, it seems to have been one of the quicker and easier ones, so please try to take consolation that he has not suffered much at all or for long but could leave from his familiar surroundings without the stress of a vet trip.

What is upsetting you is what has happened to his body while his soul was already climbing the Rainbow Bridge and no longer with the body. I hope that this makes sense to you?

If you continue to struggle with sleeping or being able to function, please contact the free pet bereavement services that the Blue Cross (UK Animal Charity) offers. All forum members who have given us their feedback have had a positive experience and were feeling much better in themselves as a result. Alternatively, contact your gp clinic.
Pet bereavement and pet loss

We all experience feelings of failure or guilt at the onset of our grieving process; it is an expression of how deeply we love and care and not an expression of actual failings - you have not failed your boy in any way. He couldn't have been loved and cherished more and was very lucky to find you. You have looked after him well right until the very end.

As humans, we are unfortunately wired to reflect everything back onto ourselves, even where it doesn't apply. Any unexpected aspects or twists connected to the dying process can unfortunately trigger a traumatic response. Please make sure that you get some trained help for that and that you talk it out of you before it can fester.

See the chapter on multiple organ failure for the physical part of the dying process:

Thread 'A Practical and Sensitive Guide to Dying, Terminal Illness and Euthanasia in Guinea Pigs'

Feb 20, 2020

1 Your mental health, sensitivities and work commitments
- Mental health and support resources
- Sensitivity aspects
- When work and other commitments clash
2 Life or death emergency – Can my piggy be saved?
- Contacting a vet clinic at all times and link to life and death emergencies list
- What to do if I cannot access vet care instantly?
- The need to save up for emergency vet access
3 Is my...

• Wiebke
• Replies: 6
• Forum: End of Life and Bereavement Support Corner

• 

Here is the guide for you:

Thread 'Human Bereavement: Grieving, Processing and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children'

Jun 29, 2019

1 The grieving process
- Loss and the start of the grieving process
- Grieving with a terminally ill guinea pig
- Going through the grieving process
2 Ways of coping
- Expressing and processing your feelings
- Regaining your guinea pig
- Burial and marking the passing
- Dealing with special days
3 How do I tell my children?
- Finding local support lines and charities...

• Wiebke
• Replies: 4
• Forum: End of Life and Bereavement Support Corner

• 

Please look after yourself but do so in the knowledge that you have not failed your beloved boy in any way and that he has not suffered badly by dying a natural death in familiar surroundings.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[KirstyGP]

I cannot tell you the amount of comfort and relief I felt from reading your messages and the explanations of what was happening medically (and his associated lack of awareness). Thank you so, so much. I genuinely feel like some of the weight has been lifted. Thank you.

 

[Wiebke]

I cannot tell you the amount of comfort and relief I felt from reading your messages and the explanations of what was happening medically (and his associated lack of awareness). Thank you so, so much. I genuinely feel like some of the weight has been lifted. Thank you.

I am glad that we can help you and ease your crushing burden of guilt. I sincerely hope that you can get some rest and some much needed sleep. Make sure that you Look after yourself.
As long as Bramble's companion is eating and drinking, he will keep if needed for a few weeks so you will have time to get over the worst and do your research. You have that important breathing space and do not have to rush into anything.

Thread 'Looking After a Bereaved Guinea Pig'

Jun 29, 2019

1 What can I do immediately after a guinea pig has died?
- Saying goodbye
- What can I do for my grieving piggy?
- Emergency: acute pining (not eating/drinking) or sudden illness
2 New companionship and human grieving
- When can I start looking for a new mate?
- "Replacing" a guinea pig: the conflict between human and cavy needs
- How do I best go about finding a new mate? (Possible options listed for bereaved sows and boars)...

• Wiebke
• Replies: 3
• Forum: End of Life and Bereavement Support Corner

Watching your piggy dying at home or finding them dead often leaves you with lots of usually unanswerable questions and concerns but a huge need to make sense. Since our socially acceptable vague concept of passing gently away in one's sleep is sadly not how it is usually happening (not even with humans), it can be traumatising for anybody who is not prepared for the sheer physicality of the body breaking down.

Personally, I am always relieved when a piggy of mine, especially my oldies, can pass away at home. My long term average is about 50 : 50 between euthanasia/putting to sleep (pts) and a natural death.

 

[fluffysal]

I'm sorry you lost your gorgeous boy. It's lovely that he had the comfort of his brother caring for him until the end.
Popcorn high over the bridge sweetie

 

[KirstyGP]

Thank you. I’ve been reading and re-reading these guides over the past couple of weeks and I’ve honestly found them invaluable and a huge source of comfort and answers. I had quite a few guinea pigs when I was younger but they all passed away at home with no prolonged illness or suffering so I’ve never had to consider euthanasia with a piggy before (although sadly we have had to have a few cats and dogs PTS over the years, which we’ve always done at home). Because at-home euthanasia isn’t an option with a guinea pig, I was absolutely dreading it (more than normal) as I know how stressful they both find it at the vets. I was also panicking anbout how we explained it to our children. Alongside all the guilt and grief there’s definitely a sense of relief too now that he’s no longer suffering. I’ve been worried sick about him since his diagnosis.

I was really worried about Butterbean too as he always seemed so dependant on his brother but thankfully at present he seems ok; He’s eating well and is enjoying regular cuddles. I’ve been in touch with a few local rescue centres but none of them have a suitable guinea pig looking for a home at present so I will keep looking but at least there’s no urgency whilst he seems happy.

 

[Wiebke]

I am glad to hear that you have found my guides helpful. They have been the most difficult ones to write for me but I felt that there was a real gap in terms of practical information that did not gloss over all the really sticky areas where most people are looking for concrete how-to guidance that really tackles the most commonly asked questions and issues on here in a very practical but respectful way.

It is always great to hear back that they are doing the job they are intended for. Thank you!

 

[KirstyGP]

Well you’ve done a great job. I’ve literally spent hours and hours googling and researching over the past couple of weeks and I’ve returned to them several times as I’ve found them the most comprehensive and useful.

 

[VickiA]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved boy. It’s always desperately difficult taking decisions on behalf of our treasured furry family members and I could pretty much guarantee that whatever decision you would have made on that day, you would have second-guessed yourself and still be feeling this way. Many of us have been faced with a terminally ill pig who has a good day and so we’ve delayed taking them on their final journey that day. Take comfort in the fact that your boy died at home surrounded by love and that any decisions you made for him were based out of love. Go gently with yourself as you navigate this difficult grieving process.

 

[KirstyGP]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved boy. It’s always desperately difficult taking decisions on behalf of our treasured furry family members and I could pretty much guarantee that whatever decision you would have made on that day, you would have second-guessed yourself and still be feeling this way. Many of us have been faced with a terminally ill pig who has a good day and so we’ve delayed taking them on their final journey that day. Take comfort in the fact that your boy died at home surrounded by love and that any decisions you made for him were based out of love. Go gently with yourself as you navigate this difficult grieving process.

Thank you so much. I’m so grateful for so much kindness and empathy from this group. And yes, I do realise that having an animal euthanised also brings about its own feelings of guilt and second-guessing. I’ve been in that position with other pets over the years and it’s so unbelievably hard.

 

[Wiebke]

Thank you so much. I’m so grateful for so much kindness and empathy from this group. And yes, I do realise that having an animal euthanised also brings about its own feelings of guilt and second-guessing. I’ve been in that position with other pets over the years and it’s so unbelievably hard.

Give yourself time and space to make your peace with losing Bramble. It is not a quick process and there is no easy way round a loss because each bond is unique, whichever way they make their way to the Bridge.

But I hope that you can snap out of the initial guilt trap loop, which can really take you into some totally weird and unpleasant places. Unfortunately, it is usually the really caring people that are affected worst - more so than the actual circumstances of the passing.

We are here for you for moral and understanding support for whenever and for as long as you need us.
Just bookmark this thread so you can pick it up easily at any time.

 

[KirstyGP]

Give yourself time and space to make your peace with losing Bramble. It is not a quick process and there is no easy way round a loss because each bond is unique, whichever way they make their way to the Bridge.

But I hope that you can snap out of the initial guilt trap loop, which can really take you into some totally weird and unpleasant places. Unfortunately, it is usually the really caring people that are affected worst - more so than the actual circumstances of the passing.

We are here for you for moral and understanding support for whenever and for as long as you need us.
Just bookmark this thread so you can pick it up easily at any time.

Thank you

 

[Freela]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Honestly, to me, it sounds like he had a pretty peaceful death. He was with you and his brother. He was in his own home and was comfortable. I have held several of my pigs as they passed and 'running for the bridge' is pretty common... they will move their feet in a running motion. By this point they are really not aware of what is going on.

((HUGS))- please don't beat yourself up. You did good. He had a good life, he was happy on his final day, he was with his brother pig and his family. He had a wonderful life.

 

[RosieLily]

I'm very sorry. Clearly your little one landed on his paws when you found him. Sometimes we just don't have any control over what happens in the end. Later on we torture ourselves with the "why's" and "how's" because we want to make sense of what happened, but it never will, it just is how it is.

Feel your feelings, allow them to be, and keep memories of Bramble close to you. You'll always have them and they'll always comfort you!

I hope your heart feels better today

 

[Merab]

So sorry for your loss.
You gave Bramble a lovely life and a good end. He died peacefully at home, surrounded by love.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve.
Hugs