Relationship Advice Please!

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SweetJo

SweetJo

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Hello, I don't know if I'm allowed to post this here so remove it if not!

I'm upset tonight but my boyfriend is blaming it all on me so I was just wondering if any of you could tell me if I'm justified, or being totally unreasonable!

He is working away for three weeks. He is meeting up with 2 new female friends this weekend. They have travelled to see him. I was fine with this.

On Thursday night we were messaging each other as usual. He mentioned he didn't know what to get for tea but finally settled on a Chinese Takeaway.

Friday night he said he was playing on his PS4, and waiting for the 2 girls to arrive. I said I thought he was supposed to have seen them the night before. He said he's got confused.

Today I go on Facebook and decide to look at these two girl's profiles cause I've never met them. It turns out they stayed over at his on Thursday night and Friday. There are photos of them eating the Chinese Takeaway, of his apartment where he's staying and of him.

So, I get upset because:
a) he didn't tell me they'd be staying over (I don't mind that they are, it's the fact he didn't tell me).
b) he said on Friday he was waiting for them when in fact according to video evidence on Facebook they were already there and had been for 24 hours!
c) on Friday when he said he was confused over whether he was seeing them on Thursday or not he had the chance to then tell me they were there but didn't.

According to him he did tell me they were staying and the fact he didn't tell me about Thursday night is irrelevant. He is refusing to discuss it and won't even answer the phone when I call. He says it is my fault for making myself feel this way and is adamant he hasn't lied.

Am I going insane?!
 
Personally i would be going up the wall with him, with holding information is the same as lying. How would he feel if things were the other way round? The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it would make me suspicious! My husband occasionally works away with female co-workers, he tells me everything, not because he has to but because he wants me to know about his day/evening.

Go with your gut instinct hon - it is most probably right. My gut hasn't been wrong once where my husband is concerned (he has narcissitic personality disorder)

x
 
You are completely right!
Thats terrible! I don't really have any advice. He must have a conscience after lying! You poor thing xx
 
You said you were messaging? So you have the message evidence right? So you can take a photo and copy the fact that he did lie (conceal the truth) to you?

Its weird the fact he seems to have got all defensive over it. How long have you guys been together? Are the other two girls in a relationship do you know?

I'm really insecure so the smallest thing can make me go into blind panic. However, I honestly believe that if you think something is wrong or not right you can feel it deep down... Somehow you just know. If you feel that, I'd say go with your gut. I went with my gut once and I was right.
 
@A&T We've been together 10 months. We don't live together. I'll give you a bit more info.....

When he's not working away he lives with a female. He has not allowed me to meet her.
I see him on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.
I think one of the girls is in a relationship. Not sure about the other one but she looks a bit older than me and my bf so I didn't see her as a threat.

I am very insecure. I told this to my bf when we first got together so he knows this. I suffer from anxiety & depression, and am very sensitive.
He doesn't do drama - he will not get into a discussion or an argument about anything. He avoids the subject. Hence why I still haven't met his housemate!
I have been lied to a lot in the past.
In past relationships I have been led to believe every issue was in my head, therefore now, I get confused when I do get upset because I don't know if I'm imagining things.

@piggie-power He normally tells me everything... We constantly message each other and he rings me on his way to and from work.

His opinion is why would he bother to lie? I do have the evidence in the messages but he ignored me when I made that point!

He seemed like such a decent guy but more and more doubts are creeping in and it's horrible :(
 
I'd be hitting the roof, too. It's wrong of him to make out you're confused and to turn it on to you. I completely understand where you're coming from. He isn't being straight with you for whatever reason. Trust your own instincts. You deserve honesty as you've clearly been honest with him.
 
You can't trust him, I'd walk away from him. He has lied to you so much over the last few months, he does not deserve someone like you. As Flutterby has just said, walk away now!
I hope you will be ok xx
 
If she know your paranoid, have anxiety and stuff that's not on... Like my OH knew that my past affect my trust and stuff so if I got paranoid he would take the time to clear everything up for me and make me feel better about it, he use to spend hours just reassuring me that I was being stupid but in a nice way.
He's not even bothering to give you an answer... Its really selfish of him to do that just because he doesn't wanna get into argument or any sort of drama.
Have you been to his house? Where this other girl live too? Thats strange you haven't met her. Weird question but... Does he have any photos of you, or you and him ON Facebook or any other social media things?
 
P.s what sort of things has he lied about? Similar things?
 
He has lied end of. You are not being unreasonable and if he can lie that easily what will he do next time?

I have been there, my ex was a massive liar (and womaniser as it turned out). I let him get away with it when he lied about his work not letting him come home for his friends wedding (turns out he went but took his ex girlfriend instead of me). He said he could change & was confused as we'd been together only about 5-6 months. 5 years later when we were buying a house together he was still lying to me (I found messages on his phone telling some girl off the internet that he was leaving me for her as well as messages to his ex saying he wanted her back).

Basically that is the story of someone who always said sorry, cried over his mistakes and apparently wanted to change. Your boyfriend is showing no remorse and even worse, has the balls to blame you for it all. He needs showing the exit love, you deserve so much better than that!
 
You know he's lied, the reason is why? Is it because there's something bad he wants to hide from you, or is it because he wanted to make out that the girls were just going round for a short visit because he was worried that if you knew they were stopping over it may cause you to worry (even though you'd have been ok with it). It may have been his version of a well intentioned white lie said to prevent you from worry that actually made everything worse. White lie intended to ease your worries, or a sly lie intended to cover up bad behaviour. Unfortunately you don't know!
Even if the lies had good intentions you need an honest man in your life. We all need honesty from our loved ones, and for those who have been hurt before and worry honesty is absolutely essential.
I am personally very relaxed about things, but I would also be concerned that I'd never been allowed to meet the woman he lives with. That rings alarm bells, as does his refusal to discuss it, or take your wishes into consideration. Are you allowed any communication with her? Does she know you exist? If not why not.......? Very suspect
He doesn't do drama. Neither do I or my husband, however we can have healthy debates and also discuss issues without getting into drama. I suspect you can too, being as you get anxious I suspect you wouldn't want any kind of row, you would much rather discuss, and HE needs to realise that relationships need discussions to stay healthy, even where discussions lead to realisation that you cannot agree on something.
Not everything can be brushed under the carpet, and even if his lies are there to shield you from worry they are still lies, and lies breed mistrust.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. Openness and honesty are VERY important in a relationship, and if he cannot give you that you will always be worried in this relationship.

So no, I don't think you are being over the top or paranoid, I think you have every reason to be upset. The fact that he won't discuss it doesn't mean you are able to stop thinking about it. Being silent on it is NOT closure, it does NOT solve the issue. He has caused this problem of mistrust and he is refusing to deal with it. I actually think that in itself is hurtful, as he is refusing to acknowledge your worries. Blaming you for it is even worse.

No - the more I think about it, the more I think he needs to grow up. He doesn't appear to know how to conduct a mature and healthy relationship, and unless he changes fast I think you'll always have times of worry and hurt in this relationship. It doesn't look healthy, hun.

I am usually loathed to advise on a course of action as I do not like to take part in the breaking of relationships, especially if they just need to change a little to be good, but in this case I will say this: seriously if it were me I would give an ultimatum: You are allowed to meet his lady house-mate and are introduced to her as his girlfriend or it's over.
x
 
Oh you are all so lovely x

Deep down I know I deserve better but I keep hoping he'll go back to the guy he was when we first met.

He lied a couple of weeks ago when he turned up at mine later than planned. He said he'd lost track of time while on the computer. I'd seen him on Twitter, so knew for a fact he wasn't doing what he said he was. His dinner went in the bin cause it went cold. He never admitted Twitter and didn't apologise even after I apologised for being snotty with him and throwing his dinner away (I couldn't have saved it really).

I've been to his three times, but never when 'she' is there. Well, the one time I did, I turned up by surprise after a mini falling out and he wouldn't let me in! I got quite upset about 'her' at New Year, yet he still won't compromise on the subject so I've dropped it.

We are showing as in a relationship on Facebook but I'm not in any of his photos unless you go looking. As for Twitter, I'm ignored and there is no sign at all of any girlfriend!

I know this is a big long list of bad things so common sense would be to leave! It's hard though isn't it... this relationship had such promise and now it's another one down the drain :(
 
Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're going through all this :( I would personally be very uncomfortable being with someone who was so shifty but I know how hard it is to prove anything. Please don't let anyone make you feel that their actions are your fault, or that you pushed them to it or anything like that. I've spent the last 6 years supporting one of my best friends, who was so totally besotted by her other half that she would gloss over the fact that he was a total maniac towards her when he had been drinking, blaming everything on her and that she'd "changed" as they grew up, just because of how "lovely" he was when sober. She's now broken up with him for good (which has taken quite some time) and is seriously regretting having wasted so much of her life on him, waiting for him to revert to the way he was when they first got together. You don't need someone who will make you constantly doubt yourself with their secrecy - you're worth more than that! xx
 
@Critter I thought that, about telling a little lie to stop me worrying/getting jealous. But I gave him the chance to tell the truth. I said I'd think more of him if he admitted he'd lied and gave me his reasons for doing so but he was still saying he'd done nothing wrong.

I haven't replied to his message. He's posting on Facebook (something he rarely does) about being with these lasses and the fun they're having as if to make me jealous or something. I'm not going to lower myself to respond.

Oh, I tried ringing him earlier to say I wanted to talk to him cause I was upset and needed some comfort and he wouldn't answer! He reiterated it's me that's making me feel this way so there's not point in speaking to me about it!

What am I doing?! :doh:
 
Don't lower yourself, definitely don't!

You have to go through a few frogs to find your prince! Don't ever let anyone make you feel like he has. You a better than him and don't deserve any of his rubbish.
 
I have to agree with everyone here. Walk away. You deserve a lot better than that. It will be hard, but it will save you a lot of pain later down the line.

The fact he lives with another female is also very worrying to me. Especially when you aren't allowed to meet her. I wouldn't have my boyfriend living with another female. No way.

Don't feel like it is your fault, it certainly isn't. You need to do what is best for yourself.

I hope you are okay xx
 
I'm really sorry that you are in this situation, but everything you have said is ringing big alarm bells, it all sounds wrong, I would be furious to find myself in that situation and I hope you are strong enough to change the situation.
 
Its easy to say 'leave him he's not worth it' but your right... Its hard to leave a relationship that showed so much hope.

What you have to think is, its been 10 month... He won't let you meet this other girl.. Or maybe.. He doesn't want the other girl meeting you? Either way are you ever gunna meet her? Equally how long can this last, its clearly wearing you down, messing with your anxiety and insecurities.. Your either gunna break.. Or make yourself I'll over his lies.

But.. I understand its hard to just call it quits. If it was the first time I'd say stick at it, But a lot of things don't add up. Maybe breaking up with him will make him realise and he'll clean up his act or... He won't bother, and if he doesn't then personally I think your better of without someone who won't fight to keep you.
 
A&T said:
But.. I understand its hard to just call it quits. If it was the first time I'd say stick at it, But a lot of things don't add up. Maybe breaking up with him will make him realise and he'll clean up his act or... He won't bother, and if he doesn't then personally I think your better of without someone who won't fight to keep you.
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I know he wouldn't fight to keep me, so if I give him an ultimatum then he'll walk. I wish I was stronger so I could tell him where to go! I rang him, and he didn't answer. I've then messaged him, asking him if he's not gonna be able to speak to me the whole time they're there, and he has viewed the message but not replied.
 
Maybe you should try not bothering to speak to him for the rest of the week?
He might get confused and finally send you a text.
 
SweetJo said:
I know he wouldn't fight to keep me, so if I give him an ultimatum then he'll walk. I wish I was stronger so I could tell him where to go! I rang him, and he didn't answer. I've then messaged him, asking him if he's not gonna be able to speak to me the whole time they're there, and he has viewed the message but not replied.
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If you know he wouldn't fight for you, what are you still doing with him. You need to be strong, he's not helping you... He's making you worse, there will be someone out there who will help you with your insecurities, put your mind at ease.
He won't answer the phone while he's with his girl friends.. Can't speak to you while their there.. Thats weird.
 
He won't fight to keep you, says I all, it really does speak volumes. He'll never make a commitment and he's treating you like you don't matter. On top of that he's being cruel. He's a sad little muppet who needs to grow up.
My first relationship was hard to leave, I did the giving, he did the taking. He was also spiteful and had a violent temper, though never hit me, but I was young, had been badly bullied at school and felt like no-one else would want me. Relationships are about give and take right? And none of them are perfect right? And he had also been bullied at school so he was just being a controlling person and had violent and nasty outbursts towards random people because he was hurting.... right? The things we do to justify other people's actions, and tell ourselves that a bad relationship is simply just not bad at all.. there are good times too, yes? Anyway, that's how I felt with my first... and this is what I kept telling myself.
I thought I'd be very sad and lonely when I called it quits on him, but in actual fact all I felt was relief, and I didn't end up missing him at all, neither did I end up feeling sad at the lost potential.
I'm not saying that just because I felt better after leaving you will, it could be that he leaves a hole in your life and you miss the nice times, but he clearly doesn't consider your happiness and he is immature. It really doesn't sound like you will ever be happy with him.
Potential can go either way. It's always sad when the potential just ends up being a dead end, but please consider what the relationship is right now and how it's been for a while, not what you had hoped it would be.

Huge hugs to you. Leaving can be a huge wrench and a bold step, but some time in the future you will be glad. x
 
ALARM BELLS! You only see him on a Saturday night/Sunday morning? Are you sure you are not his bit on the side? It sounds a little bit strange to me. He need hung, drawn and quartered IMO!
I would walk away and forget about him (easier said, than done I realise) he really isn't worth it
:hug:(Hugs)
 
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