The Christmas Holidays Grumps and Dumps Corner

Wiebke

Wiebke

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Not everybody is feeling cheerful at this time for a wide range of reasons and can find it quite stressful to blend in, so here is a place to find a bit of a refuge for airing, listening and helping each other through it.

Personally, I am currently finding it difficult to cope with my mother's dementia, which has gone up quite a few notches since her stroke/head injury from the ensuing fall in September and she has now clearly changed in her personality. She understandably hates the necessary intrusion of carers and the growing loss of her independence as well as her social neighbourhood network (all her close local friends have now either died or are away in a care home) and is fighting it every step.
Additionally, she struggles majorly in the wake of very recently losing a couple of close family of her generation just 6 weeks apart; the latter is just over two weeks past. The way her grieving and her strong feelings of loss are coming out during her paranoid phases is somewhat harrowing for my sister and me. I am still reeling from the last episode on Saturday.

Thankfully, hub is understanding after having been through it with his own mother a decade ago. We are concentrating on spoiling ourselves with good home cooked food and treats, and otherwise having a quiet time.
 
Bill & Ted said:
My Mum has dementia too, it’s always hardest for the closest to them. I have now just learnt to go “with the flow”
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HUGS

I am so sorry for you! It is so very painful.

I have taken over the task of taking the time for regular long chats with my mum to help bolstering the loss of friends and family since my sister who lives locally carries the full burden of organising and managing her daily life on top of being a hospital front line worker rehabilitating Covid patients coming off a ventilator amongst other patients. I can usually manage to cajole my mum out of the dumps and leave her in a better mood.

The going with the flow thing (which I try to do as much as possible, having been through it with my MIL a decade ago) gets a bit tricky whenever my fabricates the sudden loss of another closely related family member; my mum's acute grief and distress at that moment are totally real and raw. The need to double-check with cousins/aunts who are already grieving themselves (just to make sure) doesn't make it any easier even if my sister and I don't fall for it anymore. My mum and I share the same kind of practical imagination and creativity, so my mum can add a lot of believable circumstantial evidence... That part of the brain has not been affected. :(
At least my sister's health scare re. a potential emergency op just before Christmas for a stress related chronic issue that has resulted in a new flare-up has thankfully not come off.

I am aware that the current stage is one of the most difficult. I suffer from Long Covid exhaustion, so my own physical and mental robustness is much less than it used to be, which doesn't help. It also the reason why I had to take some out-time from the forum in the last couple of weeks and may do so more regularly in the coming year.
 
Dear @Wiebke and @Bill & Ted I’m so sorry you are dealing with both your mums having dementia. My mum also suffers from this awfully cruel disease and has done so for over 7 years. She has vascular dementia. It’s such a horrible disease as there’s not too much in the way of medication to help. She doesn’t recognise me and hasn’t done so for many years. She’s so far down the road now that she is quite “happy” as she has no memory of her life. Thankfully my dad is still able to look after her at home and my two sisters and I all live close enough to help when needed. Sending you both massive hugs. If you ever need a chat please feel free to get in touch. It’s a really difficult road to travel for the persons family.
 
weepweeps said:
Dear @Wiebke and @Bill & Ted I’m so sorry you are dealing with both your mums having dementia. My mum also suffers from this awfully cruel disease and has done so for over 7 years. She has vascular dementia. It’s such a horrible disease as there’s not too much in the way of medication to help. She doesn’t recognise me and hasn’t done so for many years. She’s so far down the road now that she is quite “happy” as she has no memory of her life. Thankfully my dad is still able to look after her at home and my two sisters and I all live close enough to help when needed. Sending you both massive hugs. If you ever need a chat please feel free to get in touch. It’s a really difficult road to travel for the persons family.
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BIG HUGS

I am very sorry. It is bitter to see disappear what makes them so special and precious as a person and you lose them twice in effect. But glad that your dad can still look after your mum and that you are all close by.

My mother-in-law had vascular dementia as well; only that she was blessed to pass away in the wake of a stroke before she had to be moved to a closed care home section as she was no longer fit to return home. She was 91 years by then, though; and only the last couple of years were really tough when she deteriorated rather quickly physically as well as mentally and was in and out of hospital all the time.

My mum has a mix between vascular and Alzheimers - but there are so many different types and varieties around. :(

Thank you for your kind offer.
 
I've had 3 family members pass away young due to mental health.it is difficult at this time of year,knowing I've no family left.ive struggled with a moderate episode of depression in the last 4 weeks.
I'm lucky I'm able to take my piggies to a friend's house.ive had a lovely day,with nice,kind ,funny friends.
 
eileen said:
I've had 3 family members pass away young due to mental health.it is difficult at this time of year,knowing I've no family left.ive struggled with a moderate episode of depression in the last 4 weeks.
I'm lucky I'm able to take my piggies to a friend's house.ive had a lovely day,with nice,kind ,funny friends.
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HUGS

I am glad that you have found good friends you can share Christmas with and come back home feeling uplifted and energised again.
It is the time of the year when family becomes paramount but it can make you feel very lonely and isolated, whether you have lost too many beloved ones or whether you are in an abusive or unhappy situation. I am glad that I have my hub and that he is understanding that I am not in the mood for being merry right now.

At the bottom of my own mum's current issues is her pain from and her fear of losing her last friends from an originally vibrant village community and great neighbourhood as well her age mates from a fairly close-knit family on both sides of my family. Both her brothers have dementia as well and she has now caught up with them; direct communication is no longer possible. This is very isolating; even more so as she used to be a very sociable and active person. :(
 
It's not directly Christmas but it's close enough and I've gotten maybe a bit too good at ignoring the date over the years.

My grandfather died December '95. We'd seen him the day before in hospital, and he was alert, talking. He'd had a couple of strokes but it was mostly his movement that was compromised and even then, very little. But this day I just remember his hands and feet were white. I have Raynauds, that's what his hands and feet were like. Massive, massive heart attack in the early hours of the following morning, 30th December '95.

Which also happened to be my 8th birthday. That was a weird New Year. We tend to have funerals faster in Northern Ireland, his was on the 3rd or 4th January (missed our first day back at school), but it was also a relatively long time for us. His just took longer because they wanted an autopsy to confirm what happened because he'd had the strokes before.

There's been disagreements occasionally since when someone tries say it was '94 or '96 or whatever and I'm like no, that was my birthday, I'm the one with a specific reason to remember the date here. And I don't blame him for it, when you go you go, I don't believe we get to choose. But the December holiday period is just weird, and I've not been a fan for years.
 
Lorcan said:
It's not directly Christmas but it's close enough and I've gotten maybe a bit too good at ignoring the date over the years.

My grandfather died December '95. We'd seen him the day before in hospital, and he was alert, talking. He'd had a couple of strokes but it was mostly his movement that was compromised and even then, very little. But this day I just remember his hands and feet were white. I have Raynauds, that's what his hands and feet were like. Massive, massive heart attack in the early hours of the following morning, 30th December '95.

Which also happened to be my 8th birthday. That was a weird New Year. We tend to have funerals faster in Northern Ireland, his was on the 3rd or 4th January (missed our first day back at school), but it was also a relatively long time for us. His just took longer because they wanted an autopsy to confirm what happened because he'd had the strokes before.

There's been disagreements occasionally since when someone tries say it was '94 or '96 or whatever and I'm like no, that was my birthday, I'm the one with a specific reason to remember the date here. And I don't blame him for it, when you go you go, I don't believe we get to choose. But the December holiday period is just weird, and I've not been a fan for years.
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BIG HUGS

The trauma lingers; especially when it happens during your childhood. I can fully understand your mixed feelings about this time of year since they go very deep. Be kind to yourself and try to create some little rituals that create pleasure for yourself but also make time to remember him and acknowledge your grandad's loss in some form, whether that is a candle or something he treasured etc., so you have two separate spaces to give room to your conflicting feelings but they do not mix as much anymore.

The last time I saw my dad alive was on my birthday. I had flown over from the UK to take my leave of him after he had woken up from a coma at the end of a three years long battle against terminal cancer and had asked for me (that was in the days before Easyjet). I was flying back to the UK that same evening since I had commitments but I pretty much flooded the plane with my tears. My dad passed away 10 days later, so I had to fly back again, still wobbly from a massive norovirus attack in the meantime.
The first couple of birthdays were very mixed for me because my birthday was the day he died for me emotionally as I knew I would never see him again. He insisted on giving me a birthday card I'd bought and written for him but which he had signed, the last time he would write. But it was easier for me since I was an adult. I would light a candle for him, place my precious birthday card next to it and think of him before I would open my birthday cards and presents.
 
munchmonster said:
I find new years eve difficult. Since my children married and made lives of their own they have their own celebrations and I feel forgotten so spend it alone. At least I have my piggies ❤️
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I am very sorry.

Maybe you could start a lonely members New Year's Eve thread on here for chatting and toasting to each other? I am sure that you are not the only one!

Or enquire locally whether there are activities from social clubs - or even ask to volunteer with one of them?
Starting the new year alone is very isolating.
 
Thankfully, my mum is no longer remembering her imagined loss (there is some blessing in loss of short term memory) - but the next paranoid phase is going happen at some point and the underlying strong sense of loss of much of her pre-pandemic social network is not going to go away.
 
munchmonster said:
I find new years eve difficult. Since my children married and made lives of their own they have their own celebrations and I feel forgotten so spend it alone. At least I have my piggies ❤️
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I'm sorry you're spending New Years alone. Do your children know you're feeling this way? I'd hate to think of my parents feeling lonely and left out - I'd want to know if it were me. Apologies if there's context here that makes this not possible x
 
poggle said:
I'm sorry you're spending New Years alone. Do your children know you're feeling this way? I'd hate to think of my parents feeling lonely and left out - I'd want to know if it were me. Apologies if there's context here that makes this not possible x
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I've spent NYE alone for a number of years now ☹️ . I don't get asked what I'm doing. I guess they presume, as I am quite an independent person, they think I am ok. Saying something may not always go down well so I just have to get on with it. I will set up a thread for NYE if anyone else wants to join me on the forum.
 
munchmonster said:
I've spent NYE alone for a number of years now ☹️ . I don't get asked what I'm doing. I guess they presume, as I am quite an independent person, they think I am ok. Saying something may not always go down well so I just have to get on with it. I will set up a thread for NYE if anyone else wants to join me on the forum.
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HUGS

It's just me, hub and a raclette oven to drag out eating for a bit longer but otherwise the entertainment is rather on the very mild side, so I will be looking in anyway! :tu:
 
I am very sorry for those who struggled over Christmas for various reasons 😞. Although I had my in laws and parents here on Christmas Day, it was a sad day for me after losing Elizabeth on Christmas Eve

I’m very sorry you’ll be alone on New Years Eve @munchmonster can I please suggest that you do talk with your children, I’d hate to think of my own parents struggling so badly

We’re going to the pub on New Year’s Eve which I can’t say I’m looking forward too as my husband will probably ignore me for most of the night while he chats with friends so I’ll be popping on and would love a quiet corner on here to join forum friends to see the new year in x
 
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