I can fully sympathise with your situation; the questions, the doubts, the heartbreak.
I spent all of last year (thankfully I was working from home due to lockdown) nursing my boy Odin. Odin was actually my soul mate, the love of my life; a very special piggy. Only people who have experienced that type of bond with an animal can understand (though I always say, I hope everyone gets to experience it at some point in their lives). I have quite a few boys, and we shouldn't have favourites, but Odin was very special. I think everyone around here probably gets tired of me keep going on about him all the time! He's the one in my avatar pic.
Anyway, when we first got Odin he started with a range of health issues from being very young. I nursed him as a baby through Giardia infection that left him with some chronic intestinal inflammation. We then faced bladder issues, a retrobulbar abscess that resulted in on going dental issues, bumblefoot that he developed whilst in hospital, and ultimately respiratory issues (most likely due to his dental issues and the fact that the conformation of his mouth and skull wasn't great). I can't thank the people of this forum enough for the support I received, and it was through this forum that I found Cat and Rabbit Veterinary clinic and the wonderful Simon and Kim Maddock, who with the help of Debbie from TEAS also, helped me to get Odin better again. I spent almost all of last year at home with him every day at his worst. I was continuously feeding and nursing him, even every other hour throughout the night, for months. Though I would do it all again for my little man, in a heart beat.
Anyway, in summer last year, even the vets didn't think his chances looked good at all. But with nursing and a 400 mile round trip to the vets every week, my little man bounced back. He had the happiest few months that he had ever had. He gained loads of weight, grew quite a bit, was pop corning around, zooming and loving life. That is all I ever wanted for my little man. I cried the first time he pop corned after all the months of worry, stress and him being so poorly! It affected me massively when he was ill, I was so worried about him all of the time that I didn't eat, sleep or leave the house. We did have a special bond. He used to follow me around, climb into my hand at every opportunity, sit next to me when I was working, take his naps on me etc. I've always had animals, (horses, dogs, rabbits, piggies, birds etc) my whole life, but I've never felt a bond as strong as that before. The only way I can describe it is he was my piggy soulmate! We also managed to bond him with another of my bereaved pigs (Thor) and they became best of friends - so Odin was loving life even more! And I think Thor really helped give him a boost too during his recovery.
As Odin was getting better, I lost two of my other boys within a couple of months. We lost Loki to respiratory complications that came on very rapidly (the vets think it was something underlying, like a heart condition or something more sinister) and we lost Rocket to what we think was a bladder stone that developed literally within a couple of days (the vets think there was an underlying metabolic issue as when they checked for stones he was clear, and it must have developed that quickly). I still feel so guilty to this day about their deaths, always asking myself if I did enough, did I spot the symptoms early enough, did I make enough trips to the vet etc? Loki was actually hospitalised and never came home. I feel so guilty for leaving him there, not knowing that I would never see him again!
So after Odin had his happiest few months ever, he started to show respiratory symptoms. We were straight back to our amazing vets (a 200 mile drive away) who think he had developed pneumonia as a result of aspirating food when he had his dental issues. We were straight on it with treatment. Odin didn't seem to let it bother him, he was still pop corning around, zooming, eating lots, keeping his weight up and loving life. But he just couldn't overcome it in the end. He was still popcorning around right up until the day before he passed. The day I lost him, he just suddenly and rapidly declined. He had his breakfast and medicine with me in the morning, had some cuddles and then literally lay with his best buddy Thor and went to his forever sleep (all within about 20 minutes). Though absolutely heart broken, this is always the end I would have wanted for him. In the summer we were talking about PTS as he wasn't improving and I was so dreading that moment, but it's almost as if by some miracle he got better for a few months to spend with me and Thor (almost like a thank you after all our efforts to get him better) then lay down when it was his time and went in the most peaceful way possible. The guys on this forum have helped me to understand that piggies don't measure their lives in years.. but by happiness. And he was so happy, right up until the minute he lay down and went over to the rainbow bridge.
But like you, every day I still find myself questioning everything. Did I get him treatment promptly enough? Did I cause it in someway when we syringe fed him for months (though when I look back to videos when he was younger, before the syringe feeding there does seem to be some increased movements with his breathing so maybe it was just another underlying issue waiting to happen)? Every day you think could i have done more? But with the help and support of this forum I am trying my best to remember the happiness and love that my boy brought me. I think about him pop corning around my living room with Thor, or taking a nap on me, or climbing into my hands as he used to. I have his ashes at home (as I do for all my boys), a locket with his pics in and my husband is getting a large print of him made to hang on our wall at home. I also keep a box by my bed with some of his hair in and some memory USBs with all his pics and videos on. I even have 'OB Always with me' written on the back of my sun strip in my car so that I think of him even when driving. He will always be with me - even now he sends me little signs to let me know that he is ok and having a good time up there. He taught me so so much, that I now feel so much more experienced looking after my other piggies. In his short year of life, he brought me more love than I could have ever imagined.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on - but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your grief and guilt. I think it is perfectly normal. I know my boy wouldn't want me to be sad, but you have to allow yourself those moments to grieve. I talk to Odin all of the time and find that helps. Though at times, those doubts and questions still start circling around in my mind. I find talking to the wonderful people on this forum helps massively - so please don't ever feel alone in your grief.
I really hope you start to feel better and the boys and I are sending lots of love at this difficult time
We are always here if you need to talk.
