Loss and struggling to bond with guinea pigs

[danuutka]

Hello, as some of you may know, I tragically lost my sweet Benio around a month ago. I am still finding it extremely difficult, and I have had to contact my university about my circumstances and have also been referred to counselling. I'm really struggling with bonding with and appreciating my remaining guinea pigs after his loss.

I wanted to post in this website, because on many other pet loss pages, I feel like cat/dog owners often don't understand how a "rodent" can have such an impact on one's life.

I'll start off by describing my bond with Benio. We were inseparable. I referred to him as my 'soulmate'. I understood him, and he understood me. If I was in the room, he wanted nothing to do with anyone else. Their cage was always by my bed, and he would make sure to lay as close to me in the cage. He would actively seek me out so that I would give him strokes, to which he would purr like crazy and give me piggy kisses. Every morning when I woke up, he demanded that I said HI to him and gave him a cuddle, or else he would just lay across my feet and not let me move. Ever since he was a baby, it seems like his prey instincts never turned on - he was happiest when he was with his human, and loved nothing more than to fall asleep on/near me. He rarely ever slept with his eyes open, he was so comfortable to just shut his eyes and go into deep sleep. He was so emotionally smart, it's like he knew what I needed. He was my therapy pet - any time anything was wrong with my mental health, Benio would make it better. His presence and love worked more effectively than any medication or therapy I have ever had. As you can see, I had a very deep bond with him - there are so many examples, but it is painful to remember what was and never will be again.

Benio had a younger companion named Ozzie. Ozzie is a firecracker. He is independent, smart (sometimes too smart), agile and very VERY sassy. Every morning he chatters at me, because I haven't given him his food quickly enough. He is one of those guinea pigs that HATES cuddles or affection. If you even try to pick him up, he will fight with all of his might to get away from you. I used to think that I did something wrong in bringing him up, but now I know that piggies just have different personalities. He's tame, in the sense that he will happily sleep around me, he'll take food from me and approach me, but any physical contact is a no go. He's just not affectionate. And after his bereavement, he was bonded with a baby Miki - who is turning out to have a very similar personality. Very independent, happy to co-exist with humans, but from a distance.

It probably sounds selfish, but I'm really struggling with bonding with and spending time with Ozzie and Miki. I guess a selfish part of me was hoping that with Benio being gone, one of the other piggies would take the spot of an emotional support/therapy animal. I know it was silly to think that, but it has caused me to withdraw from them massively. Every time I sit with them, I just feel rejected by them, and going from what I had with Benio to what I have with these two is like night and day. Benio also made Ozzie tolerate and trust humans more, so without him, he has regressed massively in this aspect.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this?

 

[Wiebke]

Hello, as some of you may know, I tragically lost my sweet Benio around a month ago. I am still finding it extremely difficult, and I have had to contact my university about my circumstances and have also been referred to counselling. I'm really struggling with bonding with and appreciating my remaining guinea pigs after his loss.

I wanted to post in this website, because on many other pet loss pages, I feel like cat/dog owners often don't understand how a "rodent" can have such an impact on one's life.

I'll start off by describing my bond with Benio. We were inseparable. I referred to him as my 'soulmate'. I understood him, and he understood me. If I was in the room, he wanted nothing to do with anyone else. Their cage was always by my bed, and he would make sure to lay as close to me in the cage. He would actively seek me out so that I would give him strokes, to which he would purr like crazy and give me piggy kisses. Every morning when I woke up, he demanded that I said HI to him and gave him a cuddle, or else he would just lay across my feet and not let me move. Ever since he was a baby, it seems like his prey instincts never turned on - he was happiest when he was with his human, and loved nothing more than to fall asleep on/near me. He rarely ever slept with his eyes open, he was so comfortable to just shut his eyes and go into deep sleep. He was so emotionally smart, it's like he knew what I needed. He was my therapy pet - any time anything was wrong with my mental health, Benio would make it better. His presence and love worked more effectively than any medication or therapy I have ever had. As you can see, I had a very deep bond with him - there are so many examples, but it is painful to remember what was and never will be again.

Benio had a younger companion named Ozzie. Ozzie is a firecracker. He is independent, smart (sometimes too smart), agile and very VERY sassy. Every morning he chatters at me, because I haven't given him his food quickly enough. He is one of those guinea pigs that HATES cuddles or affection. If you even try to pick him up, he will fight with all of his might to get away from you. I used to think that I did something wrong in bringing him up, but now I know that piggies just have different personalities. He's tame, in the sense that he will happily sleep around me, he'll take food from me and approach me, but any physical contact is a no go. He's just not affectionate. And after his bereavement, he was bonded with a baby Miki - who is turning out to have a very similar personality. Very independent, happy to co-exist with humans, but from a distance.

It probably sounds selfish, but I'm really struggling with bonding with and spending time with Ozzie and Miki. I guess a selfish part of me was hoping that with Benio being gone, one of the other piggies would take the spot of an emotional support/therapy animal. I know it was silly to think that, but it has caused me to withdraw from them massively. Every time I sit with them, I just feel rejected by them, and going from what I had with Benio to what I have with these two is like night and day. Benio also made Ozzie tolerate and trust humans more, so without him, he has regressed massively in this aspect.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this?

HUGS

Some piggies make a nest very deep in our hearts; it is not quick or easy in any way to get over their loss; a month is not all that long! Be kind to yourself, give yourself time and do not put unrealistic expectations on yourself while your pain is still raw and you are still in the early stages of the grieving process.
It is not that you don't love your remaining piggies, but they are not Benio and can not replace him - and right now, all you want is having him back!

Please seek support for pet bereavement; this is not species specific but depends on the bond you have shared. This is a recognised mental health condition that can happen to anybody but people with already existing mental health problems will often struggle more with grieving. Getting trained help and having a place to talk is the best you can to process your loss.
You can find places to turn to (especially the Blue Cross in the UK which provides a free confidential phone line where you are speaking to just one specially trained person who is not judgmental about your attachment) at the end of our grieving guide: Human Bereavement: Grieving, Coping and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children

Our guide for looking after bereaved guinea pigs also deals with us often not being able to bond straight away with a new companion; that is a very normal experience while we are still grieving. This can also sometimes extend to your existing pets. Your love will come back again in due time.
Please don't put yourself under too much pressure with expecting things from yourself that you cannot provide. As long as you still feed and clean your piggies and they have each other for company, they will keep perfectly well until you are ready again. Try to see it like your soul is hurting so much that it has slathered the wound with a numbing salve to allow it to heal.

I have gone through this after my still most special piggy Minx. If you would like to read about my experience with losing Minx, her companion suffering from acute pining and the need to find her a new friend asap that I struggled to bond with for quite some time, I have told the story in Guinea Pig Magazine, issue #45 ('The Perfect Gift').
It took me 18 months to get over Minx's loss. Sadly there was even less understanding and support out there in those mostly pre-forum and social media days, so it took me longer than it might have had I had access to the resources we have now in many countries.
Guinea Pig Magazine

Here is another really thoughtful and insightful thread from another member that you may find helpful: On grief, and hope

I promise you, eventually you will be able to love and feel again - but it going to be quicker and easier if you make the step to get some properly trained help.

 

[valsie]

I am so sorry you lost your soulmate . It is so hard when you lose a pet that you loved so much and had such a bond with. They are a part of you and when they pass, it’s like part of you has gone too. I can only speak from experience, that it does get easier with time, although you never forget them. Be gentle and kind to yourself, you are grieving and are feeling very fragile at the moment. Don’t feel guilty that you don’t have the same bond with Ozzie and Miki, they are different personalities and as long as they are getting along happily, you can be assured that they are ok.
I hope you feel stronger soon and take comfort from the knowledge that Benio knew how much he was loved

 

[Merab]

So sorry that you are still struggling.
I would guess that you do love Ozzie and Miki but differently to the bond you had with Benio.
A month isn’t a long time to grieve really and Benio will always have a special place in your heart.
Be patient with yourself.
Allow the grief to work through and you will find, in time, that your relationship with Ozzie and Miki is special in its own way.
Glad you feel you can talk here.
We will support you as long as you need