I miss them so much

Cryptillian

Cryptillian

New Born Pup
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
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Location
New Hampshire, USA
I lost all 4 of my seniors within the past year, ages 6-8. I am losing my grandma and one of our dogs has a huge tumor on her throat, cancer is most likely taking everything from me this year. I just wanted to say with our dogs, they are both seniors and disabled and the female was rescued from a puppy mill situation so they are not really cuddly dogs, but of course I love them regardless. So my pigs were really my rocks in life and they loved to cuddle in bed with me with snacks and be pet and always liked to fall asleep in my lap. My last boy got me through so much, but now I feel like the world around me has just completely shattered with his death even if I knew it was coming.

I have nobody left, over 8 years since I was a young teenager I’ve had them and it feels like an emptiness I can’t fill. I haven’t changed anything, I haven’t cleaned out the enclosure and I sleep with the blanket my Pumba passed away in. I don’t know how to do this without having them, but the deaths and dealing with their end of life care has taken a huge physical and financial toll and right now is not the time for more when I have basically nothing in my savings as a college student. I feel like everyday goes by and the purpose I once had to get up every morning even when I didn’t want to is just gone. I feel so empty. People really don’t have much empathy for it because “they are rodents, they are small, or they live shortish lives”. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about how much it hurts because of that. They have been my world and they are the reason I have pushed through so much hardship and death in my life, how I got through all these years mostly alone and dealing with disability and being different and having almost no friends, they were always there for me. I feel like a small child again, I feel so scared. I just want to pet them and talk to them and listen to them chew and run around, it’s so quiet and I hate it so much. I can’t sleep cause I am so used to the sounds and they are not there anymore.

I spent some time putting a memory box together and watching old videos and trying to remember the good times, I have really tried to just focus on how lucky I was to have them in my life but it is so hard to think of anything positive.

I’m sorry this is just one giant mess of a vent, I just needed to get that out. I miss them so much. I love them so much. I don’t know what to do without them. I’ve had them for so long that not having them feels so wrong to me.
 
It’s good to vent, people are here to support you, don’t feel alone. You have suffered incredible loss and it’s taken its toll on you emotionally and financially too. I think what you are feeling is an overwhelming grief and a helplessness that you can’t move on. I really feel you should seek out some support/help, maybe your college has a wellbeing officer who can offer you support and perhaps may be able to introduce you to other people who are finding life challenging at this time. Is there a kind family member who you could chat with? I don’t know if there are any bereavement organisations you could engage with?

People who have not been fortunate to be blessed with guinea pigs often can be very clumsy with their comments. I think we have all experienced them. Things like it’s on a Guinea pig, or it silly you spending that money on vets when you can get another for £10 is cruel and not helpful, but people probably would say that about a dog or cat.

I am so sorry for all your losses, your babies will have known just how much you loved them x
 
A good vent is needed at times and we can listen and understand.
With the piggy losses plus the terminal diagnoses of your grandma and your dog you are carrying a huge load of grief.
We are here to offer as much support as we can.

Is there anyone you can talk to like a grief counsellor or a pastor ?
 
Sending you massive hugs. It is ok to feel this way. Try and remember all the good times and love you had with them. ❤️
 
HUGS

Multiple losses that coincide or happen in quick success can really take it out of you and can leave you traumatised. It is never something that you can walk away from easily or quickly, as I know myself. You can only process so much at any time. Heartless comments by other people won't help nor will the fact that you cannot start up with new pets in your current situation and feel trapped and helpless.

Please seek help by contacting your college mental health person over your multiple bereavement and possibly PTSD issues and if needed medical help; the college contact can help you with that. Acknowledging that you cannot do this alone is the first step. Seeking trained and understanding help for talking is the best way to help you unload.

Additionally you could look for a good welfare guinea pig rescue (it doesn't have to be local) or a local general rescue you could support with fundraising, volunteering and with following their guinea pigs. It is not the same as ownership but by helping piggies in need and by doing something constructive you may get past the feeling of being stuck in a dark place. It will also give you new and different perspectives and get you in contact with people who understand about how you feel about your piggies because they care deeply themselves.
Helping All Little Pipsqueaks is a small guinea pig sanctuary looking after guinea pigs referred to them by other rescues that need life long medical support; you can find them on facebook. They have moved to your part of the USA. Perhaps that is a place to start with trying to get out of your guinea pig black hole?
Metropolitan Guinea Pig Rescue is a good and very caring rescue to follow on the East Coast where you will find the same deep love at work that you cannot express right now.

I hope that this will help you find a way out of your current black hole.
 
Well, I don't know if this helps but I understand, we just lost our beloved guinea pig three days ago. It's very difficult that so many people don't empathise at all, whereas I feel they would be more sympathetic to the loss of a cat or dog (maybe not, though). I know this will sound horrible but personally I was not that affected when I lost my grandparents (many many years ago) - I was just never close to them. Losing pets can be particularly hard because we look after them, we're responsible for them and might feel guilty when they die, and they are so innocent and love us unconditionally... and, as you say, they give us a reason to get up in the morning.

I understand you can't afford to get more guinea pigs but maybe you could foster? I saw on the site of one rescue shelter that they pay for the vet bills and maybe even food. Another option is you could put an ad online to babysit people's guinea pigs when they go on holiday. I know of people who do that and they actually take people's guinea pigs into their homes and look after them there. It could be a nice distraction and maybe you would feel like your life has a purpose again.
 
I just wanted to update and say I am doing ok, not great but ok. I can’t really sleep, guinea pigs are relatively quiet but not hearing the munching or anything at all has made me feel pretty empty.

The Guinea Pig Sanctuary in Massachusetts, USA is where I adopted Pumba and I reached out and they can take my perishable stuff even if it’s open box (hay, pellets, supplements) everything else I have I am keeping. I am going to go to the grocery store before I head over there and buy loads of veggies to bring over as well and feed the pigs while I’m there, a family member is going to bring me so we are gonna plan that this weekend.

I cannot do much in terms of volunteer/foster right now because I do not have my license yet (due to disability I have had a hard time due with anxiety and struggling to hear the instructor) and most places require that which is totally understandable, but I plan to go visit the sanctuary every once in a while when someone can drive me over. I do plan to do some fundraising through my work (I am a freelance artist, though its rough getting business right now) and rebuild my savings to where I would be comfortable getting another pair of pigs again as well as get my license since my grandma has just given her car to me and it’s sparked lot of motivation in me to retake my driving test. I think having these goals has helped me push through a lot, and I think just getting to be around the shelter will really help until I am ready in financially and emotionally to adopt again.

I recently just got new health insurance so I’m going to see what my options for therapy are right now since I could not find anyone that fit my needs and took my insurance over the last few years. My college advisor has been really great to me trying to sort everything out and I’ll be reaching out to my college resources as well. I am withdrawing from from my current classes because unfortunately my teachers were not willing to work with me despite my circumstances, but I want to spend more time with my grandma before she goes so I think it was probably for the best anyways but I shouldn’t take a hit to my record because my circumstances fall under an emergency so hoping my withdrawal goes smoothly. After the sheer amount it cost to try to save all my pigs, cremation services, etc I just really want to make sure I have around 2k or so put aside solely for vet expenses. I used to always have half that saved that but it drains real quick when multiple pets get sick and going to the emergency vet. I just couldn’t recover from everything while also doing college full time and taking care of Pumba for several hours of the day, I think at one point I’d been to the vet 3 times in one week, I was in and out so much for months. I will try to be saving more this time since vet expenses also got a lot higher in general since the pandemic, I just want to be over-prepared for health issues. Even though I will get a pair of young pigs I want some peace of mind that I will have something to go back on if everything happens all at once again cause this has all left me kind of traumatized.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice, also to the advice from the past several months dealing with Pumba’s health issues. I know he was old and our time was limited but finding the tumors in recent months and seeing him decline suddenly right before he died was so hard. Knowing his time was ending didn’t make it any less difficult and this is going to take a lot of time for me to heal from, but I feel less alone seeing how much everyone cares for their animals here too.
 
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